This morning, as I straightened up my room listening to my favorites on Bandcamp, I was struck by a painful ache, a powerful wave of deep sadness. It brought me to my knees.
"Take a breath"
My pattern, the pattern passed down in my recent lineage is to hold my breath...to clench my eyes tight and move into anything else. I hold mySelf here and take a breath feeling my body want to tighten and resist. I take a breath and intend to open.
"Take a breath and feel"
But it hurts... I take a breath. It hurts, the grieving aches out from my heart... calling for my love. My heart cries from the hole where she vacates and separates from my love. I take a breath, take a breath, take a breath and feel.
This is the pain of my grandfather and grandmother, cut off from their true loves. Cut off from themselves.
This is the pain of my mother and father cut off from their precious and tender hearts.
This is the pain of my father when I cut him off. My trauma would allow nothing else as I had witnessed and been a receiver of the violence.
This is the pain of my own heart cut off now from my own dear child.
This is the pain of generations of humans led away from their source, taught to shun each other, to hate and use violence to get what they need. Generations of humans believing they will find safety in the arms of violence in any form. How could it not bring me to my knees. Take a breath, take a breath, take a breath and feel, for it is the only way to heal. This being honest and allowing
"Take a breath. Take a breath.
Ahlay Blakely's song, Mosaic, is singing in the background. I am still on my knees.
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