My primary love affair. It has been repeatedly suggested to me over and over through the years, by many people and in many arenas, that I need to learn to love myself more. Well, this "loving yourSelf" venture is much more layered and complex than a simple directive statement from a counselor or friend, or a book on self esteem.
For me it has been more like, first, wake the fuck up, and don't go back to sleep! Step out of the trance of the outer world led by profiteers and slick marketers guided by greed and power over. Step out of our culture's negative energy, negative focus and violent communication...step out of the blame, comparison, and competition. This is your life. This world is alive. Jump in. Be grateful, be open, be yourSelf.
Next, unlearn everything you have been taught about how to treat yourSelf (especially if you find your Self in a woman's body)..while starting to unravel the complete and utter mystery of who and what you truly are. This includes, for me, discovering the many parts of my Self. The self being a cognitive construct made up of a mind (located in my heart? my head? my gut?) and a body and a Spirit? (Or perhaps just 7 trillion intelligent, spirited cells doing their best at every given moment to be me?) Then there is a Self who talks and moves in the world and there is a part that observes that movement. One hopes they don't lose their mind trying to figure this out, and alternately tries not to figure it out as a more enlightened path :-) And while unlearning what you thought you knew, learn new heart centered ways to be in this world, to think and to speak and practice those in whatever ways present themselves.
Connect to your body, connect to your wisdom and connect to your amazing, never known before, healing and power. Allowing mySelf to feel is another part of this Self love journey, for how can I fall in love with my Self if I do not allow mySelf to feel?
This means I choose to allow the traumas of the past to come forward to be healed as well as allowing my feelings to move through my experience in present time honestly. My faithful body has stored the repressed feelings for me. Here I discover more parts of my beloved Self, exiles, parts of my soul I lost along the way. I find the one who is very young, terrified and hiding in the closet. I hold her and learn to calm her. I find the girl who lays in the tall grass of the field talking to butterflies and mice. She brings magic to my life. I find the one screaming out the injustice of her life, cutting her arms so others can see her pain. I grieve the lost of my childhood and recreate it in the present. I forgive and realize my humanity. I find a singing wise woman who teaches me to celebrate all life, especially my own. These parts of my Self are all part of my wholeness. All needing to be welcomed and loved. All bringing gifts to the whole of who I am in this body. In allowing mySelf to feel and express emotion. I come to know more of my Self, to sing and dance with my Self. I wink at my Self in the mirror.
In this place falling in love with yourSelf gets a bit juicier. I now see the face of my toddler self, I have felt her pain and unraveled her misunderstandings, how could I not fall in love with her? Today I feel my longing to be loved at any point in my life as fully human and deserving of loving attention. Today I actually see and feel my beautiful and miraculous human body to be sacred, a temple of God.
Now mySelf, the we of me, asks, "How can I love you in this moment my Dearest True Love?"
I observe mySelf pull the curtains closed in my studio and pump up the volume to our favorite song. My Selves and I dance together again, in this little heaven of mine, dreaming anew.
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