Alone?

Alone?

Alone, a nightmare on the path of a traumatized toddler hiding under the bed from the devil and his pitchfork. Afraid of the dark…tensed muscles, squeezing eyes shut, Holding breath…frozen. Stuck in time, pain deposited in muscles and bones. I nested here, I lost part of my soul here. Except the imprint etched in my body, sound waves of her whimpers and cries. I carry her. No other choice for this human. I call her Emmy, this part of my Self. She can take me to the core of my fear in an instant.

I love the dark today. I lay on Mama Earth or my green latex mattress seeing through the eyes of my heart. Breathe in…breathe out…the darkness dances. I disappear (and simultaneously realize this is where Emmy went) silent dark cave of consciousness, floating on an ocean sanctuary of aloneness. Why do I go anywhere else?

I wrestle with my human path six decades Binary, myopic, I centered, wounded, holding tight to foundational misunderstandings. Perfectionism. judgment, competition wound tight, hyper-vigilant, focused on what was going wrong. A cloud of unconsciousness rigid, weeping in the dark. Longing for love, unable to receive love, experiencing life as one trauma after another.

In the fall of 2011

(the year I came to the Driftless) I stood in the Wheel of Initiation declaring mySelf to each of the four winds. (alone in my backyard, for no one could hold me) Saying, “I will do whatever it takes to know the truth of who I am” I descended… surrendered to demons and despair, pulled apart, undone on every level, suffered death and resurrected.

Angels came in many forms. Mama scooped me up... an embrace of spring beauties whispering knowings into my heart. Joy! Enchantment! Wonder! The Earth is alive! Who knew? The forest swam into my bedroom window 3am. Stardust imbued songs of peepers, crickets, great horned owls, coyote and tree frogs harmonizing with wild wind, swirled above my bed. My body shook as I lifted off the bed. "You are of the Earth and Stars. You are not who you think you are."' my love crooned.

Unlearning is the path now. Compassion on steroids. Letting go of the past. Loving every piece and part fiercely, every genius cell and misguided neuropathway. Singing lullabies to Emmy (and all the others) Embracing a bigger perception of Life As best I can. Knowing I am never alone.